I stumbled into Subway today, and after I had ordered two footling subs, the counter droid queried whether I wanted anything else with my sandwiches.

I was momentarily stunned, as I hadn’t ordered any sandwiches.

Then it thunderbolted home: another cockwomble retailer within their own warped virtual reality bubble was dicking around with the English language. Probably in accordance with some facile dolt directive from a blue-suited but tragically tan-winkle-pickered marketing cock.

This is however all about facts. A sandwich is two thin pieces of bread, usually buttered, with a thin layer (of sweet or savory mixture) spread between them.

A filled roll and a filled baguette are a roll and a baguette. A ‘sub’ may derive from the mealy-mouthed ‘submarine sandwich’, but it’s a soft baguette or a ‘viennois’.

I guess this shizzle stems from the same logic that tells us a camera is a monocle because they both have a single lens.

And before you say it, an ‘open sandwich’ isn’t a sandwich either. It’s a piece of bread with stuff spread onto it. Not ‘filling’, because the stuff becomes filling only when the second piece of bread comes into play in tandem with the first piece in order to morph into something that can be filled.

That’s how you deconstruct a sandwich, you twats.

Apparently, such is the linguistic buggeration currently at play, even burger bars have got in on the act, describing their fare as sandwiches.

‘Would you like fries with your sandwich?’

– ‘No, I’d like to disembowel you’.

It furthermore prompts the ludicrous proposition that a hotdog is a sandwich, which according to some terminal tits it is.

And there I was thinking it was a taco.