You can throw glitter on a turd, but it’s still a turd.

After something sparkly finally stuck to Keir Starmer yesterday, the nihilist knight remarked that the protester ‘didn’t know him’.

That was evident from the fact that glitter had been launched, not acid.

It’s not yet known whether the assailant will be charged with carrying an offensive weapon or assaulting an offensive weapon.

Unfortunately, the glistening interlude marked the only slither of his drab speech that anyone remembered.

Well, that and the fact that he was clearly bricking it.

You wonder how he’d fare if faced with Putin, as opposed to a hobo grasping a fistful of fairy dust?

SPOILER ALERT: not very well.

No, wait – Slur Drear did trumpet to the audience that he had grown up working class.

Oh dear. Now, as a zillionaire lawyer lording it from his Chelsea tractor, having subsequently sold out on his principles and heritage, that tripe was never going to gain traction.

Do you wanna be in his gang?