We’re Gonna Party Like It’s Nein, Nein, Nein, Nein, Nein!

So, the curtain has now fallen on our full membership of the EU though we will of course be tied to the lumbering monolith for a while yet. Make that forever because leaving will change little of substance. Too much money involved which is of course what it’s all about. Wheelbarrows of it.

The final days were marked by the singing of Auld Lang Syne in the European Parliament. Sneered at by some, but hey, what the heck. At least they arranged their handholding in the Scottish tradition which at least meant that it didn’t look like some sort of deranged Liberal Democrat New Year’s knees-up.

Less dignified was the crass flag-waving by the nutjob Brexiteers, which was correctly called to order by the Parliament chair who then immediately let her own guard drop in delivering an equally classless riposte. It epitomised the whole pantomime of the last 47 years.

At the same time, demented ultra-Remainers, with not a single second language to their respective CVs, hugged like little Huggie Bears and burst into tearful abandon, presumably in the knowledge that those daily allowances and 500-Euro expensed lunches had hit the buffers along with all other carriages on the gravy train. Back to old clothes and (UK) porridge for you, my dears.

All in all though, an embarrassing end to a near five-decades-long fiasco, but at least it was all on-brand. The European Parliament has long since been a half-empty theatre for poop stand-up acts well past their time. It’s where old theories go to die.

Most bizarrely, Verhoffa – presumably rudely awakened by the clattering of stable doors and galloping horses – made a speech that in parts was arguably his most constructive contribution to the Brexit debate (mind you, most have been deranged stinkers, but at least all those translators never had to translate his Hitlerian gesticulations, so there was always a word-per speech saving on that count).

Heavily punctuated by the usual psycho-federalist theatricals, he challenged the stated desire of Leavers to retain sovereignty, pointing out that the (effective) sovereignty of individual European nations had long since gone. This was an era of ‘Empires’ in which the Union of European states would be the way forward. Now why didn’t Remain push that line during the campaign? Probably because it hadn’t occurred to them. Remember, their argumentation was firmly based on emotions much as the Leave mantras were.

Admittedly though, the single sovereignty of the Union that was his desired outcome would of course be one headed up by him as some sort of unhinged Charlemagne. Or at least it would have been, had he himself not been side-lined like George Weah’s ‘cousin’ after even the hard-line Remainer-Stalins had unmasked him as a Remainer-Trotsky. And a cohesive Europe needs Guy and the gang like an ice-axe in the cerebral cortex. And unlike Graeme Souness, they’ve all seen much more than just a video tape from a Liberian juice-seller.

Predictably, he did go on to state that his union (was it ever going to be anybody else’s?) would be the union with no exceptions, no opt-outs and no rebates, which must have had the embryonic Rejoin movement in the brace position, crying into their crème de menthes. That will put off all the floaters in their pan so to speak, leaving them with only a hard rump of purist euro-fruitcake support.

At least now, we can get on with the important aspects of the post-Leave agenda. Not a trade deal, though, that pales into insignificance in comparison with the real hardcore shit. We’ve monstered the commemorative coin, and now there’s a right old hoo-ha about the flying of flags. The Scottish Government will still fly the EU flag, though to be fair, they’d fly the old Hammer and Sickle if they thought it would piss in Boris’s Coco-Pops.

We’ve not seen so much non compos mentis semaphore since the Nuremburg rallies. But this is how far our politics has sunk – shit for shat gestures, presumably.

It conjures up the supreme irony of flagging credibility.

The SNP will now doubtless press for Indy 2 and are probably already laying the foundation for Indy 3. Fortunately, Indy 500 is copyrighted, so there will be limits to the whole sorry she-bang. I personally long for the day that they elect a leader called Anna Jones who might then put her name to a further plebiscite.

Somebody better tell them though that breaking away from the UK now will leave them outside of any union, which contradicts the ‘Empires’ argument of Verhoffa which they presumably support themselves as their rationale for remaining within the EU.

It’s a funny old world. The SNP wants to be independent but also craves the economic rewards of belonging to a larger economic beast to which they would make a disproportionately low contribution. You can’t see the Germans buying that.

And we all remember the rough time they gave Berti Vogts simply for trying to elevate Scottish football to the next-but-bottom rung on the football ladder.

But seriously, can you see the Scottish Government having any idea on how to remove itself from the UK after hundreds of years of micro-entanglement to an infinitesimally greater depth than our own with the EU? Just think about National Insurance, pensions and dare I say it, citizens’ rights. Talk about the boot being on the other foot – they could call their negotiating situation UK plus plus plus. And they won’t have the negotiating power of 26 other countries that Ireland had, which only really achieved a conclusive status quo. Good luck with that one, chaps.

Meanwhile, Boris will be supping up all that North Sea Oil to pump into our gas-guzzlers that will be emitting toxic filth into the southernly directional European winds. We won’t be giving that up without a struggle. Westminster has learned the hard way about democracy, so I think we are on a new road of pseudo-democracy now, where most referenda will be handled like a mixed-heritage royal bride.

Not so with Northern Ireland though, which I think, will be a part of the Union to fall. And frankly, I don’t think that Westminster will be too gutted at that particular prospect, because they know it’s a shitshow that’s way too much of a hassle and an expense. Let’s not delude ourselves: London is waiting for the demographics to change sufficiently and when the Northern Irish get their referendum, it will be the choice of the people.

It’s one of the reasons why the Brexit vote could not suffer the precedent of reversal. There are bigger fish to fry. Once Ireland becomes one island, the potential powder keg of terrorism will be a Loyalist one that Dublin will have to unpick, and it will be bloodier and more brutal that the Troubles. This time it will be a fight to the death and will never end. By that time, we may even see EU troops sent over to quell the violence. That’ll shake the unity of the 27 once the body bags start getting shipped back. But at least the UK will have done the right thing and allowed one colonial legacy to be overturned by democracy. Hoorah for us!

As for Wales, well, in many respects the Welsh and English systems are more closely intertwined and the toll on the Severn Bridge has been removed, so we are clearly leaving no stone unturned in our attempts to forge an ever closer union with our friends to the west. You never know, but I think the Welsh know which way the wind is blowing. Westminster should however start to beef up investments in the principality, or its mandate will start sliding down faster than Harvey Weinstein’s errant sausage digits.

As for Europe though, it’s going to be the same old, same old. Money talks and will continue to do so. Leave.EU will likely become Remain.UK and Remain will become Rejoin. Don’t worry about the confusion, because neither side will be putting up any cogent arguments until anything substantially changes (which will indeed be unlikely).

And as for all those unwanted 50ps, contact me via maxfrances.com and I will arrange for their safe and environmentally sound disposal.

Happy New Europe!

unsplash-logoPablo Heimplatz

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