Plane Speaking

Heathrow has become carbon neutral in emissions.

Take a moment to allow that assertion to slink around the grey matter. It’s colossal. There’s a nailed-on Nobel Prize for someone, right there. There’s got to be a Physics or Chemistry element, but in all sincerity, this one is such a biggie that a new category beckons.

The proclamation denotes that Europe’s most hectic airport is permitting no net release of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. When you chew over the expansive fuel consumption and other environmentally toxic tomfoolery from its airport buildings, infrastructure, vehicles, and flights, it’s a mammoth achievement.

And in the same vein, it addresses also the elephant in the environmental room.

Greta Thunberg can now start to turn her thoughts to a full academic year, which will be even more of a relief than the news that global warming has just received a potent front-kick to the nuts.

Now the master plan can be rolled out to the world’s major aerodromes for us to see the ozone hole close over faster than our eyes once Greta starts leveraging her 16 years of world experience during her persistent harangues.

Only kidding about Greta.

It was a novelty when we first heard her parents’ speeches, but in all honesty, a growing majority would opt for a greenhouse tan rather than hear it all over and over again.

But, back to the growing euphoria of a planet-saving solution.

I regained my senses. We are after all currently firmly entrenched in a post-fact and post-truth UK where if a turd doesn’t taste of chocolate, you are berated for not believing enough.

So, I read the small print.

You little devils, you.

The claim relates only to the parts of the airport that the Heathrow organisation actually runs. This means that emissions from its suppliers, terminal retailers, and, ahem, the flights are not included. Nor will any emissions from the possible construction of a third runway – which incidentally has not yet commenced.

Once you subtract all that, I’m not sure that there’s anything operational left?

So, it’s not actually carbon neutral at all yet. That’s going to happen by the mid-2030s or more likely 2050. Or possibly never. These dates simply reflect objectives. As it stands, and based on the evidence we actually have, Heathrow carbon emissions are in fact forecast to skyrocket over the coming years. Unless all that third runway construction machinery is going to be running on tofu.

So, who produced that emissions report, the board of directors at Volkswagen? Somebody’s sexed that right up.

I don’t know how these clowns keep a straight face, but we shouldn’t be too astounded. Never let facts scupper a good story. You know, I could get used to this post-fact malarkey. There would be no limits to what I’d be able to achieve.

As a start, I’ve decided to turn vegetarian. But I’m not going to be taking into account the meat that I will actually continue to eat.

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