Tom Hanks has become the highest-profile person to confirm a COVID-19 diagnosis, so it’ll be fascinating to see him as a man battling a stigmatising disease. Mind you, he’s already survived World War II, Vietnam, a plane crash, being cast away on an island, being stranded in space, jumping into a volcano, and a kidnapping by a Somalian pirate.

So, I think he’s got this one covered.

However, he’s not quite got his head round the isolation part of the strategy with his castaway gig being 20 years prior to infection.

Life truly is like a box of chocolates. Well, so far AIDS and now the Coronabug. You really do never know what you’re going to get.

And sooner or later, Mr Trump had to do something definitive and has now taken the plunge into the sea of bollocks by letting off a silent-but-violent trumpette. Yes, a 30-day travel ban from European destinations to the US though this does not include travel from the UK.

Right on-brand, he did so with added emphasis that it’s a foreign virus (his actual words) and explicit criticism of the EU for the contagion. That is sure to aggravate the thin-skinned psycho-federalists who will now surely resort to some equally titillating barbs in Tangoman’s direction. At last, some normality has returned to politics. Well, that is in the now normalised world of borderline turdhole asshatery.

I’m still amazed that nobody has taken on board that money changing hands is likely to be just as hazardous as handshaking in terms of the facilitating the spread of the bug, which appears to be the primary concern of our leaders.

Meanwhile, almost via the trademen’s entrance and shielded by the domineering performances of the viral virtuosos, Harvey Weinstein has pulled a 23-year-stint in the can, and given the avalanche of civil lawsuits that are hurtling down piste, he’ll very soon not have a pot to jizz in. Still, he’ll likely still retain enough grip to pay some orderly in the hospital wing to apply Vaseline to his copious face-folds.

His face-folds, Juan…

Coronavirus or not, he’ll be begging for self-isolation at least as an alternative to self-immolation. Well, for the time being, anyway.

But for now, brace yourself for the emergence of COVID-19 consultancy services all hoping to pocket some heavy wedge for their plethora of health checks (no pun intended), business continuity plans, and pointless pontificating. No matter how fast the virus spreads, the charlatan army will be in hot pursuit with wallets akimbo.

As they say, where there’s muck, there’s brass. But first, we’ll see the brass necks.

Lights, camera, inaction!

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