A brief stroll through the town centre yesterday, and I had to check my watch to make sure it wasn’t 1st April. At first, I thought I’d encountered a cardiologist cycling club charity ride, what with all the people pedalling about with their green surgical masks.

You almost don’t know where to begin. The panic is palpable, and all these morons clearly haven’t done their homework.

While it is the case that the virus can be airborne, it’s not swishing about all around us. It actually needs to be propelled by a cough or a sneeze. Otherwise, it’s going to be on surfaces that we unwillingly transfer to our eyes or mouths. I’d accept that they’re protecting against reflex oral-touching, but that’s about it.

And in any event, the pseudo-surgeons are typically wearing them loosely, so there’s limited protection even if they do catch a stray cough. A lot of the masks aren’t the genuine article either. Just cheap Chinese knock-off from Amazon that would give you the same level of protection as a caravan holiday with Jimmy Savile.

Some of the masks I’ve seen are those heavy-duty industrial things for paint-spraying, and one guy had what looked to be a WWI monstrosity. He’ll be ok if COVID-19 changes tack and mutates into mustard gas.

And of course, for those who’ve got the real deal mask-wise? They’ve generated stock shortages for the medical staff who really do need them.

But talking about homework, who has actually done it? Societies all around the globe have surrendered while talking the language of resistance. See those empty shelves? That’s where all the stiff upper lips used to be stored. I bet the rights owners of the Keep Calm and Carry On paraphernalia are burning down their warehouses as I type.

UK Businesses are committing commercial hari-kari by closing because they’ve blindly followed the draconian ‘suggestions’ of the government without considering meaningful adaptations, like rearranging seating and promoting best practice hand-hygiene. People are already losing their jobs, schools have closed, and the domino-effect that will hit every section of society has begun.

If you’ve broken your leg, the orthopaedic consultant won’t order you not to eat until it’s healed. You have to stay alive in order to facilitate the healing process. That’s science.

More fool them, though. They’ll look back on all this and bitterly regret how they allowed themselves to go with the flow of majority stupidity.

Some of these – like cafes and restaurants – have however still been providing takeaway services at the normal sit-in prices. More fool us for continuing to purchase from them. Predictably, some shopkeepers have been cranking out £18 packets of 4 toilet rolls. Let’s hope that people have long memories once the whole chaotic period is over.

And let’s not forget the vomit-inducing statements from organisations about how they’re going to help us during the crisis. They really do believe that they are our saviours, that they have this exalted position. All they should be doing is telling their employees to practise good hand hygiene and carry on. When the Government assistance that come forward still sees companies go under, they’ll have only themselves to blame.

It won’t be COVID-19 that screws us but our own stupidity. This is a cesspool of our own making. We’ve completely re-imagined a highly contagious bug into the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Not only will we be creating an economic crash that never needed to happen, we’ll be allowing the charlatans to bury every other piece of bad news currently out there and around the corner.

Imagine what the seasonal flu numbers would be if we tested everybody every year? We have large numbers to quote simply because we are seeking them through tests. Granted, we have flu vaccines which makes the call for limited isolation for this bug a good one. But we’ve overplayed a bad hand with all the other bullshit.

And make no mistake, there are so-called ‘leaders’ out here who needed this crisis and therefore perpetuated it. It’s senseless. There’ll be currency speculators who bet on it and will be clearing up while we’re clearing up.

And we’re going to be lifting up stones and discovering some gut-wrenching screw-ups long after the last gasp from the bug itself.