Who are the most relieved people in the UK right now? No, apart from the Russian currency speculators?

Retired epidemiologists.

Like many other academics, epidemiologists have merrily nurtured careers and pontificated on their theoretical expertise, their forecasts, and their models, and then it all came crashing down. They became relevant as reality kicked in. Worse still, the focus narrowed on them as individuals. They actually had to stand up and be counted.

And then all bets were off.

Now this Government, contrary to popular belief, have never abandoned experts. They simply quickly tire of the ones who do not fall deftly into line behind their policies and objectives. The most delectable irony of COVID is that at a point when they most needed expert guidance, the scientific whizzkids have revealed themselves to be half-baked charlatans in their own right.

Look how they flip-flopped on masks. From don’t mask, don’t tell to outraged incredulity at the slightest resistance to them. Remember how they failed to adhere to their own lockdown recommendations? It’s not the science that’s changed, it’s the politicking, which can be discerned from their trickling leaks:

‘We advised them to lock down sooner…’

‘We suggested a circuit break several weeks ago…’

No wonder Johnson brusquely turns on his heel and storms out at the end of each press conference that he attends with the geek squad.

Exit, pursued by bare-faced blaggers.

If COVID were the disaster that all suggest, then reputable scientists would not have compromised their integrity by allowing post-fact politicians to fanny with public health. They would have laid it all out up front and said bollocks to the consequences.

But that’s not how these ‘experts’ roll. Up to now, they’ve been bluetoothing the latest tracks from the government playlist while seeking opportunities for subtle, self-exculpatory loopholes. Let’s face it, in terms of pragmatism and realism, they are flailing and failing, and for two reasons: firstly, their knowledge is just not up to it, and secondly they value their own roles and salaries above all else.

For them, this is a personal crisis in health, not a public health crisis.

They are merely politicians themselves with their own agendas, who yearn to be returned to obscurity where they can large it over wide-eyed undergraduates and peer conferences. They do say that those who can, do; those who cannot, teach. Never has that maxim been copper-bottomed in truth that in the current COVID crisis. You cannot help but feel that the guy who got caught shagging had just worked his ticket to get out of the mire.

Of course, it is always a source of amusement that asshats like Johnson get offended when they are treated in the same way as they treat others, so please do afford yourself a wry smile at Blobby’s barely veiled chagrin at their backseat driving. The only reason he hasn’t fired them for their strangulated treachery is that with nothing to lose, they might blow the whole gaff and raze the whole brown log cabin to the ground.

And that one is going to stink once the turds start heating up.

So, on we go with the next round of pseudo-science that this crusty 3-tier model represents. At the point of inception, the area with the highest infection rate – Nottingham – is not even in the top tier. Presumably, their mayor won the final round of ‘spin the bottle’ with the Scousers. Before you know it, this hare-brained scheme will itself have been supplanted by the next wacko intervention.

A popular 21st century definition of hell has been represented by a prominent scientist getting lectured for eternity on their field of expertise by Twitter man. That one is starting not to age well. You surely just need common sense to realise that reinfection after a lockdown is inevitable, gutting the economy leads to social harm that will dwarf the threat of Corona, and that shielding the most vulnerable pending a vaccine is the most viable option open to us.

These tiers won’t be alleviating fears. They will only tread down local economies further while pressing pause on infection rates. That’s blowtorching the candle at both ends.

So, yes – retired epidemiologists can sit back and relax with the phone off the hook, as indeed they are. What a catalyst the bug has turned out to be.

Mad world.