I laughed so much, a little bit of wee came out.

Stratospheric frontrunner James Cleverly lent votes for a carve-up and ended up rogered and out.

Apparently, he was so blasé about a thumping victory, he frittered away the death throes of his candidacy at Boris Johnson’s book launch rather than canvassing on the final furlong like Roberk Jenprick and that bonkers Kemi-khazi.

He might have once sneered about Stockton-on-Tees being a ‘shithole’, but the only shithole perturbing old Jammy now is the one fashioned from his burgeoning but baseless ambition.

He’s bobbing around with all the other bubbling buttnuggets in the pungent, putrid, political pan.

A cesspit entirely of his own making.

Well, he did have a sturdy shove from strategy guru Grunt Schnapps, who had banged together an all-singing-all-dancing Excel spreadsheet that turned out to be dripping with dodgy digits and frigged formulae.

I can’t come up with a witticism about that, because it’s exactly what happened.

Cleverly done.