Author: Max Frances
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The Coronavirus Act
HRH Prince Charles has tested positive for COVID-19 which was certainly not the coronation he’d been anticipating. He is now self-isolating – and separately from his wife who has tested negative. In marital terms, he’s slid in on his knees towards the corner flag with his shirt over his head. That’ll be 2 weeks off…
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Barbie Queues
Hot on the heels of my recent concerns about the surrender of rights comes a story from Coventry where a 20-strong barbecue was dispersed by police whose decisive stroke was to overturn the barbie with a sharp dig to the ribs (crispy pork, of course). Perhaps they’d heard that the burgers needed flipping? Now, if…
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Follow My Leader
So, we’re now about to go into a lockdown of sorts. I say about to because in spite of the PM’s instruction yesterday, it’s not yet law and cannot be enforced. Of course, there are powers to allow the detention of infectious people, but not simply to remove anyone from the streets who fails to…
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No Need to Faucet
Harvey Weinstein has tested positive for coronavirus. So, that’s 2 weeks of isolation covered and now just 22 years and 50 weeks to straighten out. Meanwhile, the office plant is expecting twin saplings. We’re all waiting for the lockdown order in the UK which I guess means that people can venture out only for groceries…
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Basket Cases
The power of social media: a critical care nurse makes an emotional video about empty shelves in stores. It goes coronaviral. Major stores decided that we needed to support our NHS staff, so they introduced NHS hours for staff to shop where there are replenished shelves. Of course, staff work shifts, so not everyone can…
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Closure Ayes
If you’re panicking at the prospect of a few months of social distancing, spare a thought for your friendly neighbour burglars and junkies, who will see the window for opportunist crime closing down faster than a Rolf Harris comeback tour. They’ll probably be able to apply for Universal Credit, though, and we should endeavour to…
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Keep Calm and Cory On
A brief stroll through the town centre yesterday, and I had to check my watch to make sure it wasn’t 1st April. At first, I thought I’d encountered a cardiologist cycling club charity ride, what with all the people pedalling about with their green surgical masks. You almost don’t know where to begin. The panic…
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It’s All About the Money, Honey
Every day is bringing fresh computations of hysteria and nitwittery. People used to cough to cover up a fart; now they’re farting to cover up a cough. But back to the bug and more pertinently, the government’s fiscal stimulus. It was never going generate a Joker-strength smile for everybody, but then again, the money pit…
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Just Checking the Smellprint
I’m getting nostalgic for Brexit. This whole corona-clown cluster is withing touching distance of peak buffoonery. Helpfully though, because anti-inflammatories suppress the immune system, we have been advised not to be taking ibuprofen. That’s a relief. Mind you, it takes a Kofi-Annan-grade negotiation just to but a few packets under normal trading conditions, so it’s…
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One Harm Banditry
Well, I would have washed my hands of it all, but there is no longer any soap or hand-sanitiser in the shops. We have well and truly lost the plot. We had initially embarked on a sensible, balanced strategy that is now being corroded by social media delirium. Everybody’s advancing their own crackpot theories based…
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