Author: Max Frances
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Curl Up and Dye
Hair and beauty salons up and down the country have embarked on some sort of nitwit informal industrial action to ban celebrity gossip magazines in the wake of Caroline Flack’s death. I know. These chumps have the intellectual elasticity of an anvil. It’s also straight to the top of the irony class for Tracy and…
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It’s a Plant!
Looks like Harvey Weinstein is going to walk. Not in the sense of walk free, but just in that he no longer needs to huff and puff into court on a Zimmer frame like some sort of bewildered and geriatric Marcel Marceau. At one stage during his trial, I half-expected him to walk into a…
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Whistling in the Wind
A Chinese Doctor gets t-boned for speaking out about the coronavirus, and everyone is up in arms. I could understand it if he’d been dumped on for peddling powdered rhino dick, but from his perspective he was on a determined course to adhere to the Hippocratic oath. Sadly, he has shuffled off his mortal coil,…
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No Sex Please, We’re British
This week, Labour MP (and candidate for Deputy Leader) Dawn Butler stated on national TV that children are born without a biological sex. Barely reported in the press because the bonkers bar has been elevated to so high a level that pure, unadulterated biological flat-earthing is no longer man bites dog. I’m looking forward to…
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Honour Marks, Get Set…
I’ve never been one for awards and medals – I sussed out the scam while a mere lad at school. After penning a superlative account of the Ayatollah Khomeini’s return from exile in France, I was awarded a coveted gold star. Emerging triumphant and euphoric from the headmaster’s office, I encountered the class dunderhead –…
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Plane Speaking
Heathrow has become carbon neutral in emissions. Take a moment to allow that assertion to slink around the grey matter. It’s colossal. There’s a nailed-on Nobel Prize for someone, right there. There’s got to be a Physics or Chemistry element, but in all sincerity, this one is such a biggie that a new category beckons.…
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Unfurling the Freak Flypaper
Earlier this year, Boris Johnson’s chief adviser launched a recruitment campaign ‘seeking weirdos and misfits’. He’s patently never worked in the recruitment sector, because that is indeed longhand for ‘launched a recruitment campaign’. Every campaign attracts weirdos and misfits – it’s one of the rules. The modus operandi of the switched-on is that such weirdness…
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Taking the Flak
A TV presenter has taken her own life. Whatever the context, that is tragic. People are shocked and upset that a life has been cut short. Many others are pretending to be shocked and upset and demonstrate this through a cascade of sanctimonious dogpiling onto whomever they can link with the event. Some press outlets…
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See You Later, Litigator…
Some borderline freak engaged me in conversation yesterday in order to impart what they held to be an indispensable gem about a bizarre law of the State of Michigan. That will teach me to acquiesce to the promise of a stop’n’chat. The so-called ‘fact’ is both true an untrue. It is said that it is…
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This Is the Price of Failure, Mr Bond…
I succumbed to the pleasure of a local hostelry at the weekend, incidentally while the Six Nations Rugby was on. Calamitous mistake. Jam-packed full of halfwits who have never played rugby, who don’t understand the rules of rugby, and who use rugby as a misguided vehicle to attain social acceptance. Incorrigible berks. The game is…
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