Dicked

‘London is becoming safer’, said Cressida Dick in her resignation statement.

Well, it is now.

While her defenstration is merited, I do have some sympathy for any person trapped in what must surely be a perpetual state of mental torture. Whatever she does, she must be forever recoiling in abject disgust at her own name.

But back to question at hand. The fact that there is no clear frontrunner from any of the UK’s constabularies to replace her tells you all you need to know about the current state of policing (or, indeed, the police state).

None of them are any good at it.

In order to understand why limp Dick failed to rise to the occasion, we need to understand modern UK policing and how it is delivered to the public.

Here’s a brief explainer:

The ranks are generally bustling with two sub-groups of officer, who represent the ‘philosophical’ and ‘practical’ approaches to coppering:

Firstly, there is the pisspoor minority contingent, who hitch onto the bandwagon of the prevalent PR mentality at the philosophical level. This holds that ‘policing by consent’, community trust, and partnership will be achieved by inclusion and representation. You’ll see these goons mincing about wearing garlands and visiting Asian shopkeepers.

The next group are the pension-craving thugs who compensate for personal inedequacy through the harsh enactment of power. These are the thumbs-in-vest, porky loons, who speak only in clichés and relish being ‘job’. Within the police service, these canteen cowboys are tolerated as those who ‘get the job done’.

The existence of these factions explains why forces will bust a gut to nick someone tweeting the word ‘nigger’, but will merrily assault and harass black people on the street, and then lie to cover it up. They loathe anybody and anything that goes beyond their narrow perspectives and stands outside the scope of their tiny minds.

Somewhere in the middle of these two groups is the veritable ‘thin blue line’ – officers who remain true to their oath to uphold the law without fear or favour. If all cops took this route, there would be no need for outreach bollocks, less police brutality, and a safer, happier society. We’d all be in a much better place.

As it is, one of the professional token-turds inevitability floats to the top of the bowl, and at that point most constabularies move to a weird melange of rainbow flags and covert criminality.

The whole system is unfit for purpose and needs to be gutted – because we certainly all are.

And unless that happens, irrespective of who takes over the Met, we’re all still dicked.

Picture: London Evening Standard

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