Author: Max Frances
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If You Can’t Stand the Heat…
Truly perturbing scenes at the Olympics after a female Italian boxer quit forty-six seconds into her bout after being whacked in the face. That must have come as a shock to women all over Italy who generally brave that shit out for forty-six years. That punch in the kisser was always when Mike Tyson said the…
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Earshot
I’ve so far resisted the temptation to comment on the US election, but whatever your views on Trump, he’s got to be a shoo-in for anyone within earshot. In recent weeks, Mr Bjden has introduced President Zelensky as ‘President Putin, referred to Kamala Harris as ‘Vice President Trump’, and failed to recognise a buddy of…
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Too Juan
Another day, another failure. In fairness, the match against Spain was pretty evenly matched for the first 85 minutes. Of course, Spain had looked more dangerous and had played the better football, but the score still reflected bottom-lime parity. Then, in the blink of an eye, there was a precision pass, a lightning burst of…
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Starmergeddon
For those of you who were desperate to see the back of the worst Government in living memory, it must have felt like being given the all-clear from your cancer specialist, only to be told you’ve got AIDS. There was no better microcosm of this short-lived joy than in Bristol Central, where self-appointed queen of…
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Safegate
‘We don’t have a replacement for Kalvin Phillips’. Let that sink in for a moment. Gareth Southgate has a team that should be bubbling with the Bundesliga top scorer, the season’s outstanding player in La Liga, and a fresh dollop of Premiership cream. And yet, he is bamboozled by the challenge of replacing a player…
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General Erections
We’re a fortnight or so into the General Election campaign, and frankly it’s not pretty – unless pretty boring counts. Slippery Sunake has slithered from gaffe to gaffe, and the latest D-Day debacle has surely sealed his fate. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Tories ditched him mid-campaign in a coup d’étwat. As for Slur…
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Abracadabbler
Hey presto! Magician David Copperfield has been stiffed with allegations of decades-long ‘Rolfharrisment’ by a string of now forty-something ex-teenagers whose memories are arguably as robust as the collapsed heels on their counterfeit Ugg boots. Yes, it’s one of those historical Yewtree-mendous investigations that will possibly soon have coppers beating down the door of Coppers.…
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Confidence Trick
Chaos reigns in the parallel universe of UK Politics. Hard-right loon Natalie Hellfucke has defected to Labour. Not only that, but Sir Drear has been parading her centre-stage. Not sure what the fuss is all about, though? It’s hardly a surprise that Starmer, a man who has no evident political compass, is a ruthless and…
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Slot Machine
Wowsers! Liverpool FC appear to have been sucked into the cyclical, psychopathic managerial money-go-round, plumping for Arne Slot as a replacement for Jürgen Klopp. Slot is, according to Virgil van Dijk, ‘one of the better Dutch coaches’ currently plying their trade. Oh dear. Erik ten Hag is the best, which should be triggering canned laughter…
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Gloves Off
Rest in Peace, OJ Simpson. Some are saying he will now, knowing his wife’s killer is dead. It’s just a pity that dear old Johnnie Cochran isn’t alive to deliver the eulogy. He would have doubtless convinced the congregation to have completely exonerated cancer. ‘If the coffin don’t fit, you must acquit!’ That is, if…
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