As a nation, we all still appear to be in perpetual shock that in voting for Boris Johnson, we ended up getting Boris Johnson.

He is clearly the toast of the Conservative Party, of course in the crispy, charred sense. For a loquacious smith of words, his non-apology was as transparent as Fishy Rishi’s 200-mile-away distancing at some shit-kicking, rubber-chicken bonanza.

And today in the House, Weeble Albino successfully reached level 6 of the seemingly endless tissue of master-level, plate-spinning chicanery:

1. The flat denial that any parties took place.
2. A statement that even if parties happened, nobody broke any rules.
3. The punt that if rules were broken, he was not one of the people who broke them.
4. The acknowledgment that there was indeed an event, which he attended.
5. A denial that the event was a party.
6. An apology if people who thought that what he had done, which was technically within the rules, was wrong and were offended.

It’s been quite a journey.

Here’s a pithy explainer: if he admits he attended a social event, he has to resign. He won’t relinquish his lifetime achievement without a peak squirm, so he’s sorry that we feel the way we do, not for what he’s done, which he maintains is fine and dandy.

Ah, so that’s OK then?

Well, no.

The whole truth slalom as been the sort of hedgebetting, shambolic shitshow ponied up by many a hapless adolescent ratboy who shifts their bunkum yarn with every tricky shard of emerging and damning evidence. Any semi-comatose parent would slice the fat fuck off at the knees, but our ropy opposition MPs still cannot deliver any knockout blows.

Ed Davey, fresh from Ramadan prayers (it isn’t Ramadan, but that won’t stop the twat), popped up with some comments as lukewarm as Mark Oaten’s hot lunch, and ‘call me Keir’ fell back on sneering, sixth-form vacuous twaddle.

Mind you, Starmer couldn’t even finish Savile off, if you’ll pardon the expression. Even if Johnson does fall on his pork sword, those clowns are going nowhere.

Only Ian Blackford displayed any rigour and credibility, and in doing so inadvertently strengthened the case for the Union, albeit with Scotland as the senior partner.

Today, the Tories fittingly bought their own boos. It will after all be they – and they alone – who will press the big red button, and then they will initiate the great reset for the next Conservative Government in two years’ time or so.