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Up In Smoke
The family of Rebecca Cheptegei has decided to have her buried. After all, the cremation did come first, courtesy of old flame Dickson Ndiema. There’s a joke in there screaming to get out, possibly relating to penises and bloated legs, but it will probably die of multiple organ failure before the first gargled giggle. It might…
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A Right Result
While appearances can be deceptive, footage of Lucy Letby’s arrest seemed to reflect a completely befuddled ‘girl next door’ confounded by the sudden influx of paramilitaries into her home. Yes, some murderous psychos are obviously expert actors, just as ‘you can tell are manifestly guilty just by looking at them’. And that’s why I won’t…
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Flaccid Jenas
Well, that was a spunky twenty-four hours for Jermaine Jenas. He’s pirouetted from a pugilistic ‘I can tell you I’m not happy – there are two sides to every story – and I’m going to be speaking with my lawyers on the issue’ to a pusillanimous ‘I am ashamed, and I am deeply sorry’. He…
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It’s an Unfair Cop
You don’t need to be Jack Regan to know that nicking street dealers doesn’t quash a drug epidemic. That’s picking the low-hanging fruit and boosting arrest statistics, Guv’nor. Lazy coppering provides the flagging flatfoots with a rare opportunity to appear remotely competent at the expense of UK society dropping one notch to a par with 1973…
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If You Can’t Stand the Heat…
Truly perturbing scenes at the Olympics after a female Italian boxer quit forty-six seconds into her bout after being whacked in the face. That must have come as a shock to women all over Italy who generally brave that shit out for forty-six years. That punch in the kisser was always when Mike Tyson said the…
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Earshot
I’ve so far resisted the temptation to comment on the US election, but whatever your views on Trump, he’s got to be a shoo-in for anyone within earshot. In recent weeks, Mr Bjden has introduced President Zelensky as ‘President Putin, referred to Kamala Harris as ‘Vice President Trump’, and failed to recognise a buddy of…
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Too Juan
Another day, another failure. In fairness, the match against Spain was pretty evenly matched for the first 85 minutes. Of course, Spain had looked more dangerous and had played the better football, but the score still reflected bottom-lime parity. Then, in the blink of an eye, there was a precision pass, a lightning burst of…
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Starmergeddon
For those of you who were desperate to see the back of the worst Government in living memory, it must have felt like being given the all-clear from your cancer specialist, only to be told you’ve got AIDS. There was no better microcosm of this short-lived joy than in Bristol Central, where self-appointed queen of…
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Safegate
‘We don’t have a replacement for Kalvin Phillips’. Let that sink in for a moment. Gareth Southgate has a team that should be bubbling with the Bundesliga top scorer, the season’s outstanding player in La Liga, and a fresh dollop of Premiership cream. And yet, he is bamboozled by the challenge of replacing a player…
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General Erections
We’re a fortnight or so into the General Election campaign, and frankly it’s not pretty – unless pretty boring counts. Slippery Sunake has slithered from gaffe to gaffe, and the latest D-Day debacle has surely sealed his fate. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Tories ditched him mid-campaign in a coup d’étwat. As for Slur…
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Fighting the Good Fight…
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