Tag: England
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Three Irons
Well, thank God that shambles is over. I’ve not been as bemused since the World Downs Syndrome Championship when Mongolia chalked up a bonus chromosome in stoppage time. If a team as manifestly cack as England can triumph in any tournament, this tells you everything you need to know about this dogshit variant of the…
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Tuched Up
So, England’s first German manager has entered the fickle foray of footie, kicking off with a hefty slice of withering criticism for his predecessor and a 2-0 win over Albania. Guys, you’d only lose to Albania at pickpocketing, trafficking, or blood feuds. It’s probably true that Southgate’s weightiest clanger in the last tournament was his…
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Too Juan
Another day, another failure. In fairness, the match against Spain was pretty evenly matched for the first 85 minutes. Of course, Spain had looked more dangerous and had played the better football, but the score still reflected bottom-lime parity. Then, in the blink of an eye, there was a precision pass, a lightning burst of…
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Safegate
‘We don’t have a replacement for Kalvin Phillips’. Let that sink in for a moment. Gareth Southgate has a team that should be bubbling with the Bundesliga top scorer, the season’s outstanding player in La Liga, and a fresh dollop of Premiership cream. And yet, he is bamboozled by the challenge of replacing a player…
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Tap-In
Another day, another Team England loss, and two hours of my life was gone forever. Sometimes I think I’ll never learn. Cue the rearguard. The shambolic shitshow shoo-in was predictably re-imagined by the client press as an inevitable defeat in the wake of the new Brazilian wonderkid. The ‘new Romario’, no less. Nothing Gareth could…
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Flakermaker
Following their ‘world cup’ victory, triumphant Spaniolo player Jenni Hermoso hugged her FA President Luis Rubiales, lifted him legs akimbo aloft while the hapless prez reciprocally offered a lips-on kiss to the hopeless lez. Big deal. Apparently, a veritable shitstorm has now engulfed women’s football as he hadn’t filed a notarised consent document prior to…
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Beyond Parody
They think it’s all over – it is now. England’s women’s ‘football’ players have been traumatised by their first dicking. Sorry, their first dicking in a ‘world cup’ final. I never actually tuned into the farce itself – I’d had one of those moments during the night when I had awoken and wondered whether the…
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Timewasters
So, England snagged a win on Italian turf for the first time since 1961. Along the way, both fullbacks were booked for timewasting, which made the crowd wonder whether Gareth Southgate was up for a lifetime achievement award. Meanwhile, the Commons Standards Committee did their utmost to stepover past Boris and ended up going full…
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Here We Go, Here We Go, Here We Go…(Again)
No sooner had Lionel Messi hoisted the World Cup aloft, Gareth Southgate had indirectly confirmed that it would be another four years before England had the faintest hope of collecting a major gong. It all rather summed up where not just football is but where we all are in general. Messi, arguably the greatest player…
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Messy
Once again, Croatia have advanced in a major tournament while Brazil have shafted themselves with their own indomitable sense of entitlement. In 1990, England had lamented 24 years of hurt, which in terms of absent World Cup glory is exactly where Brazil are right now. Mind you, they have a back catalogue of five trophies…
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