Author: Max Frances
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Slitty-Eyed
Our incorrigible bent for synchronised fawning made it as predictable as it was painful. And so, along with innumerable brown-tongue aficionados, a facade of pitiful, performative grieving was thrust upon the traveling public by National Rail. In doing so, they scuppered the plans of those who possessed not the requisite beady-eyed dexterity to navigate the…
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Unskinny Bop
It was desperately sad to hear that former Big Brother desperado Nikki Grahame had succumbed to anorexia. Desperately sadder still was the media puff about a lack of awareness of eating disorders. Please, somebody turn that telescope around. Surely, the most pertinent concern should fall on the apparent obsession with the modern-day freak show of…
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Flip
A forensic pathologist has testified that George Floyd died from low oxygen caused by officers handcuffing him, positioning him, and placing a knee ‘on the neck specifically’. Well, thank the Lord that’s all been cleared up. I thought he’d choked on a bone in the local shit-chicken emporium. The final gift to the nation from…
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Bloody Clots
Probability is a funny only thing. We can become as despondent about our vanishing chances of winning the lottery as we might become paranoid about being afflicted by a rare illness, and both at about the same percentages. Current odds of a fatal blood clot after being spritzed with the AZ vaccine are approximately 1…
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Stealth Bummer
As predicted, the issue of vaccine passports is looming into view as the next hot, steaming political package. The cries centre on potential discrimination, which as an initial observation is fair comment. However, this bubbling dissent betrays that folk have been spending too long either out in the sun or at least reading it. The…
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Game On?
It’s Easter Monday, and we have passed the one-year anniversary of Keir Starmer’s leadership of Labour. Unsurprisingly, there’s no discernible sign of a resurrection on either front. He has now vowed to ‘take off the mask’ (presumably a metaphorical one), to ‘open the throttle’, and to show us all why he should be the next…
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Verona Crisis
It seems like the luvvie cabal is getting all bent out of shape about the current demise of the theatre. Well, times change, and people change with the times. In 500 years’ time, people might pay to watch mime artists prancing around a turntable offering up their ABBA-inspired interpretative dance. I don’t recall these ponces…
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Slacked if I Know
It was a relief that the Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities’ report into institutional racism was published yesterday. We might otherwise have thought it to be an April Fool. In a nice touch, with its conclusion that institutional racism in the UK does not exist, they served up a prime example of precisely how…
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Motion Lotion
A year on, and commentators are seeking to assess Keir Starmer’s progress as the Labour Leader. Now, that’s a real toughie because he hasn’t really done anything. Try to imagine an Israeli opposition leader never managing to surpass level-pegging with Hitler, and you’ll probably be in the right ballpark. In its wildest dreams (which judging…
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Police Farce
While the rank stupidity of a tightly grouped demonstration during a virus pandemic is arguable, let us not ignore that the protest against bolstered police power was met with the flagrant abuse of what fuzz already holds. That was exemplified by beating the crap out of mild-mannered bystanders after having first scarpered from less easy…
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